Usually, I am acceptable of what I cannot change, and laugh at the ridiculous things that seem to happen to me in my life. I just have a knack for shit going the opposite of how I want it to, and I am fed up with bitching and moaning about it all. Most of the chaos in my life has been and is self inflicted. I am not Mary and Layla is definitely not Jesus. She is a birth control baby, in the manner that I forgot to take it, and would double up on almost a weekly basis. And I wonder where that went wrong in that situation?
But recently my family has been through a lot, most of all my mother and two darling little sisters. Enough for me to not make some smart ass remark towards it. My mom is now a single mom of three, in Alaska with no close relatives, and two children who are undergoing counseling along with a court case regarding abuse and it is all a complete shock to my family. I am amazed at how strong my sisters are as they fight through many emotions and a wave of sympathies by many others, as well as my mother.
One of my sisters is really struggling with it all, and my mom told me “Rebecca, you are great with words. Please write your sister and try and help her through her emotions.” Yes, I am a fantastic writer (I just watched my head swell a little), but when it comes to serious situations, I head for the hills. I have been through some tough situations, and have always figured out on my own how to deal with them. At first, it involved alcohol…and more alcohol. But after having children, and fighting for a relationship with my best friend/man whore, I have figured out how to grow up and handle my problems; through thick sarcasm and brutal honesty. Ask me anything about my life or my past struggles, and you’ll hear a lot more than you had planned for. I am an open book, with a hell of a lot of funny ass stories due to fuck ups in my past.
But to help my sister is a struggle for me. She is such a strong person. She has gone through cancer, divorce, being broke as shit, moving multiple times and now this. If she weren’t almost 14, I would be going to HER for all of my problems. Nothing I have gone through compares to all of that combined. On top of that, I used alcohol, sex, lying, stealing and running away as my cry out for help. I imagine all I have to tell her is don’t do a single damn thing I did from ages 14-19 and you’ll be golden.
A main problem for her has been how you forget horrible things. This is where I was stuck. I could tell her all the things you shouldn’t do when you are hurting, but I don’t know how to forget when horrible shit happens to you. I still think about some of the bad stuff in my life on a weekly basis. What I could have done to prevent it, or what I could have changed, how I could’ve handled it all.
Then, as I was sitting with my two little demons, watching them giggle and drool, I realized that you should never forget. You do all of these things to try and forget a situation in your life, to run away from the problems when what you should be doing is facing them head on. I spent 4 years running away from problems. Where did it get me? Lying to my husband, on the verge of being a single parent and dropping my child off as much as possible to go drink away the issues. I had to face the fact that I was turning into a terrible mother to escape my struggles, and I had to face those struggles. I could not allow myself to forget any of the shit in my life, because that shit made me who I am today.
When I faced all of these problems, I realized where it kept cycling, and I turned my life around. I believe with abuse the same kind of mentalities are required. With all of the confusion mentally, running away or isolating yourself causes a whirlwind of unnecessary hatred of yourself in something that you have no control over. My sister needs to face what happened to her, and learn from it. Learn not only about herself, but about trust, reality and the fact that the world isn’t always unicorns and rainbows. When this is learned, she can accept it and move on with her life. I only wish that she didn’t have to learn this so young.
God throws at you only what he thinks you can handle, and he must think my sister is an extremely strong person. I know I do.