Parenting Rules.

We all have our own set of parenting rules, long before our little demons come to the world. But being a perfect parent just isn’t real. We all break these rules, and you know what? It’s totally okay. Here are some of my personal rules that I have since broken and never looked back at.

I will never ever be the mother that shares their bed with their infant. It’s dangerous, and I like my own personal space. Ahem, let me but in, past Becca. Personal space? What in the hell is that? Even if Layla and Caroline had slept in their crib from day one, you wouldn’t have ANY personal space. So calm the hell down and enjoy the fact that you can just pop your giant boob out in the middle of the night to feed your human.

You spent 400 dollars on that chair to soothe me at night? Awkward…

I won’t let my daughters watch television, ever. Dream on. That is a nightmare world where I have to entertain my children 24/7. I do a lot with my girl’s, between tummy time for tiny child, crafts, outdoors, walking the dog, bath time, and the many meals Layla needs (I need to feed that thing? What a drag..), I need some time to clean. An hour a day is not going to turn her brain to mush, in fact if you haven’t noticed she has learned some things from those ridiculous Disney Jr. shows.

I will breastfeed, because breast is best. This one I wish I didn’t break, because it really is better, but I am also not going to hang myself for choosing to switch to formula with Layla. I was young, totally clueless and wasn’t willing to ask for help with the “huge problems” I had the first time around. Yes, I did find out that formula is a big barrel of fuckin’ expensive, and I am holding out for a year of breast feeding for Caroline.

My children will look, like, totally adorable all the time! I said that in the most idiotic way, because it is completely ridiculous to think I could contain the mess of a monster inside my children. A hair brush to Layla is as the sun is to Ginger folk. It’s a nightmare to brush her hair, and I have actually had to resort to singing the stupid Tangled song every time I brush her mop head. And that is only one part of her. I also have to try and keep the juice mustache off of her face, her outfits matching, and clean. Whatta joke. I am not even allowed to pick out what she wears, and she chooses to lick all of her food until it disintegrates. Disgusting. And Caroline? She is spitting up every five seconds, and if she isn’t doing that she is shitting. She is like a fountain of bodily fluids I just refuse to try and contain.

It’s adorable in it’s own “I did this just to piss mom off” kind of way.

Sweets? Sweets are the Devil’s food! Umm, sweets are also the only form of bribery that works on Layla. Potty training, being good in the grocery store, keeping quiet around Caroline? Thank you sweets for all of the accomplishments. Not that I give her buckets of candy every day, but honestly I believe if you introduce them to sweets when they are younger, they won’t go all ape shit psycho every time they are around candy when they are older. You know exactly what children I am referring to. If that is your child, I am so sorry for your mental being. So the occasional sweet treat is totally fine with me.

I won’t stop enjoying my life just because I had children. Bah. Drinking every night? I couldn’t even do it if I tried. I do enjoy my life, but in a whole new way, thanks to my children. But after paying a babysitter, paying to go out, paying for the gas, and paying for the hangover the next day when your kids are screaming nonsensical shit in your face? No thank you. I’ll just save myself the headache and enjoy my family time.

My kids will be on my schedule from day one. I will not put up with getting out of bed all the time. I am pretty sure I didn’t really know what I baby was when I set this rule, or I was hit in the head when I was a child myself. Babies have their own schedule for at least the first three months. You want to have them cry it out to get them on a schedule? You think keeping them up will help them sleep better? You better change your mindset and fast. Babies are controlling little Hitler babies that want you to know you have no control over them, for as long as they can hold off. They are like the Japanese. RELENTLESS. You try and keep them up and they’ll look at you, flip you off and cry all night long because you tried to tire them out. Toddlers? They will pull every trick out of their tiny little sleeve to get out of bed. So just deal with the fact that you can’t always control everything.

I am sure I have so many more rules that I have long forgotten, but you get the idea. The sooner you realize following the rules is not always best, the better.

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