How to Survive Marriage

Being married is a truly special thing. I have taken it for granted for the past year and a half, and although we have wanted to stab each other at times, I feel lucky to be a part of the married club. I really am. I mean, I curse like a drunken sailor, I can make a forty year old pervert blush with my humor, and I drink like a fish. Add into that my lack of real manners and my sarcastic nature, and you have a hot mess on a silver platter. But this hot mess managed to convince someone to marry her.

My husband and I. This basically sums us up perfectly

My husband and I. This basically sums us up perfectly

With that said, marriage isn’t easy. It is a lot of learning, growing and adjusting to another person. Unlike dating, you can’t just walk out. Especially if kids are involved. You have to be able to tackle an issue as a team, and accept each other, and play nice. I have learned a few things so far, and I really think they have helped to make my husband and I that much closer. So close, I can fart in front of him with absolutely no shame. He hates it.

So here are my rules in my marriage that have kept us so close, and avoided any attempted manslaughter that could have easily occurred.

 

 

 

 

Rule Number One

I think this rule not only applies to marriage, but any relationship in general. Never talk negatively about your significant other to your friends.

This is a hard rule to follow, and there is a fine line between joking and just straight trash talking your husband. I learned this far before I was ever married to Alex, and it almost caused the end of us many times. I am not saying there can’t be the one person that you vent to when your husband constantly forgets to take out the trash, or how you have caught him ogling those scantly clad whores (seriously girls, put some clothes on) . I have that one person I can vent to. But when you start telling all of your friends all of these negative things about your hubby, they won’t like him. I promise.

My friends all hated Alex at one point. They constantly told me I shouldn’t be with him. And when I realized that I always told them the bad shit he did, I could see why they would think he was the anti-Christ. What’s worse is that when you are constantly telling people all the irritating things he does, you will start to notice it more and more, and wonder why you are with him as well.

I have made it a personal rule that if I am going to bitch about something he does that drives me to drink, I have to say something that I like about him, or that he helps with. Even better, since I have stopped doing this, we have become closer and I can just straight tell him when he is being a lazy little ass hole instead of going around telling everyone else, and he fixes the problem.

Rule Number Two

Find time for each other. Which can be hard as well. When you have two children constantly in your face, a dog that refuses to leave your side, a house that constantly needs cleaned and your own self to bathe, it can be difficult to find time to enjoy your husband. It’s hard for us because he works evenings, so he doesn’t get home until two in the morning, and the next day all he wants to do is rest before another long night of work.

But when you don’t find time for each other, you start to become two strangers that live under the same roof by coincidence. Even if you can find 10 minutes to just sit and talk, or do some other things (we all know what I mean by that), then damnit take that time and do it.

Rule Number Three

Look nice, you damn cave troll. No seriously, this is so important. I have always been a person to like to get ready every day, but lately the chaos of two little devils has caused me to slack. And now I feel like a fat blob of human. This rule sounds so Mormon of me, but I really mean it.

When you don’t feel pretty or special, then you can start thinking your husband doesn’t think so either. I have been having this problem for the past month, because I literally wear sweats every day, and I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs or plucked my eyebrows. I keep telling myself I must be the least attractive person, and then I assume he does as well. And then I get resentful towards him for *possibly* thinking I am hideous.

Which, I’m not. I am dead sexy :D Who cares if I have hairy legs? They are like permanently attached leg warmers.

Rule Number Four

Be honest. Probably the most important rule. Actually this is just a good basic rule for life. At the beginning of our marriage, when we were still figuring out how to share finances, and basically everything else in our lives, I lied. I lied a lot. I tried to hide my spending because I was always afraid he would be mad, which was silly, because it always blew up in my face. He was always WAY more mad with the fact that I just lied about buying a Mountain Dew, because honestly how stupid is that?

And not just with finances, but with everything. Nothing can damper trust like a lie. Unless of course he asks if you like having a giant hand painted profile of Tupac smoking in your living room. Tell that man you love that shit. Tell him you wish you had the interior design skills he had, and move on. Eventually, Tupac will be in a box in the garage instead of staring at you every time you sit on the couch to watch tv.

I still have nightmares of his judging eyes following me everywhere I went. Buhhhhh.

So enjoy marriage, and realize how lucky you are. I had to trick my husband into getting a marriage license, he thought we were going to Dairy Queen, not the courthouse. When we parked the car he had assumed I had either taken him there to get our marriage license or sue him.

And there is my rant for the evening :)

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