Road Trips are Overrated

A few lessons have been learned in the past few days. Some were great, others I dreamed of running away to a tall glass of vodka (damn you pregnancy). But all in all, it’s been an adventure that I can surely laugh about.

So what the hell am I talking about?

Oh yeah, I drove 941 miles to North Dakota to visit my husband. With my two year old daughter. Being seven months pregnant. I am pretty sure my thought process went in such a manner:

“Oh, in what terrible, awful ways can I possibly torture not only my own sanity, but that of my toddler’s as well? How about a two day, sixteen hour road trip?? YOU BET YOUR ASS.”

So, there was a lot more to our journey than that. But man, do I sound crazy when you put it that way.

The whole reason we took this trip was due in part to a huge fact that my husband has been gone for approx. 5 weeks, and we have not gotten to see each other. He was due to be home October 25th, so he could make it to Halloween and Layla’s birthday at the house, but he got screwed over for his promised time off. I totally get the fact of seniority in the workplace, and when a head mechanic threatens to quit for the same week off, you know the new guy is getting the short end of that shit stick.

So now, he isn’t coming home until Thanksgiving. With Layla being only two, I know she will never remember her dad being there or not, but it crushes his heart to have to miss out on it, and we all just needed to see each other; and that’s where my idea began for a road trip.

Plus, I thought “Man, this would be great bonding time for Monster and I. This way I can get my mind off of pregnancy and the same ole’ house bitch duties to see my man whore.” Sounds so nice when you put it that way. My mind is good at convincing me of the incorrect.

This is how the 16 hours went down:

A million blankies, all the snacks one could imagine, and a sleeping monster. Good so far.

Mile One – OHMYGOD I probably forgot something. Shoes? Check. Bags? Check. Did we bring enough toys? WHERE THE HELL IS LAYLA?? Oh shit she is under all the toys.

Mile One Hundred – This isn’t going so bad. It’s actually a nice drive, and peaceful too. Layla is already asleep, Regina Spektor is serenading my ear holes, and I have my pretzels and cream cheese. I could do this all day.

A third of the way there. Awesome

Mile Three Hundred and Sixteen – How in GOD’S name has it been five hours, and yet we are only halfway there.

Woo 5 hours done, 5 hours to go!

Mile Four Hundred and Ninety – Only 142 more miles. That’s not too bad. Oh. Wait, that’s like two more F****** hours. If I have to listen to the Spongebob Squarepants movie one more time, I might drive my car straight into a pineapple under the sea.

Billings, Montana – 8pm. Exactly 9 hours 21 minutes of driving, and we are finally at a hotel. I want to go straight to sleep. Although, by the twitching in Monster’s eyes, I would say she is in just the opposite mood as me.

An Hour Later – Thank God for getting a room with two separate beds. Layla just doesn’t stop bouncing.  I don’t remember putting crack cocaine in her sippy cup, but… did I? I might just pass out and let her find her way to sleep. Who cares if it’s bent over the chair at the desk with a Cheeto’s mustache and my underwear on her head, I am tired.

3am – Layla is awake. Already?? I am going to sit on the bed, watch whatever is halfway child appropriate and wait for 8am to roll around, because I can’t leave Billings without stopping at the bank. Awesome.

Mile Six Hundred and Thirty Three – Mile one of a whole new day. We have got this. My sanity was left somewhere in West Yellowstone, but its okay. Its 8:30, and…f*** I am already lost.

Mile Six Hundred and Fifty Two – I am pretty sure I am on the right road. Like 67% positive. That’s good enough, right?

Mile Seven Hundred and Eighty – Thank the Road Trip God’s it was the right road. It’s not so bad driving today. Only five hours instead of ten.  Oh what’s that Monster? Spongebob Movie? Great.

Mile Eight Hundred and Fifty – Only a hundred miles left. We are so close I can taste it. Or maybe that’s the smell of Layla’s diaper I am tasting. I should have invested in a cork for that situation three days ago, then we wouldn’t have to stop at all! Terrible idea, I am running out of humor as the miles go on.

Finally there!

Mile Nine Hundred and Thirty Five – Where the F*** am I? Seriously. At least we get to see Alex. No, scratch that. What is wrong with the road construction? And why is there SO many campers?? God damn boom town. Oh look, a business named “Kum and Go”. Bet you can’t guess what that really is. Seriously, try to guess.

As of right now, I am grateful to see my long lost partner in crime. But Jesus, I may never leave; just thinking about that drive ALL the way home makes my whole body just one big sad panda.

The bonus to that horrific 941 mile trek was the fact that my daughter is probably one of the easiest kids to travel with, or I packed everything possible to keep her happy. No breakdowns, about 6 hours of it spent sleeping, and the rest either dancing with mommy to music or watching Spongebob. The thought of that stupid laugh and intro song makes my eyes twitch and my body limp, but she was content. I would much prefer that show than a child yelling at me demands I can’t fulfill for 16 straight hours.



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